Not the ending I was hoping for

I cried a lot today, and I know I will have a lot more crying to do before all is said and done. It has barely been 8 weeks that Izzy has been with us, and the vets exam was not as good as I had wished. I am not a person with a lot of money in fact I can hardly pay all my bills. Somehow I manage to take good care of my horse. The vet came out today to check on the funny symptoms Izzy has been having. She and I came to the same conclusion as to what is wrong with her. Granulosa cell tumor of the ovary and or bad ulcers. Either way they both require hundreds of dollars in tests and thousands of dollars in treatment.

We would start be doing an ultrasound/palpation followed by an hormone panel and a inhibin test. This is extremely expensive...if the tumor is found or severe hormone issues she would require an ovariectomy at OSU. Then she would have to be put on hormone therapy.

If nothing was found, then she would be given an endoscope to look for ulcers and then treated with gasto-guard which is 1000.00 for a 28 day treatment.

In the end would I have paid a sale price $5000-6000 for Izzy? (probably not) Would I have paid that much for a moody mare, with a prior broken knee that raced only once was pretty green under saddle and had less than great conformation? (doubtful) Please don't get me wrong Izzy is a sweet horse and I am already attached to her. But if I were to spend that much money 8 weeks ago I would have bought a finished show horse that was safe enough for my kids.

Its not just about the money. If she goes through with treatment especially the surgery it would put her out of commission and on stall rest for the whole spring and summer. Not to mention having to start all over again with training when she heals up. There is the possibility that she would still behave like at bitch (excuse my language) and that she would still give me a hard time. Then finally there is the risk of doing these evasive and drastic treatments, there is always a great risk with a large surgery.

I'm so torn. But I have decided that I will not just sell her or give her away. That she would go back to CANTER, because I know they would take good care of her and make sure she found a good home. My family thinks I should give her back where she could have a better chance of getting the treatment and care she needs. And look for a horse that is a little more finished so I would be able to ride more and have a horse that is safer for my boys. If I think about it, that would be the more rational decision.

I will post another blog when I figure out what is going on. I want the best for Izzy, but I have to consider my goals and dreams too.

Lots of symptoms no answers...yet

Izzy has been in heat since the day I got her so about 7 weeks or so. I thought at first that is was just because of the move and the new horses, but I was told that she was often in heat prior to me adopting her. I have noticed that brushing or touching her belly was a problem, even things like reaching to grab blanket straps was like playing Russian roulette, you never know when your going to get kicked. This has gotten progressively worse. Even ground work has gotten worse, if I have to ask her "mid-section" to move away, especially on the left side she will kick out. She succeeded the other day. Most of this behavior I have took note and moved on.

A couple of days ago Izzy attacked Chevy. It was not like mares fighting for an alpha position, this looked like some stallions fighting. It stated off with Chevy, Izzy and Jasmine where turned out. They all get along and this is not something new. For the first the 5 minutes they all did there own thing and got along great. Then Chevy was rearing a little but it was very playful. Jasmine and Chevy were grooming each other on the withers while Izzy just sorta stood there watching. A few minutes later Izzy chased Chevy into the corner and kicked Chevy in the chest as hard as she could. Then she got low to the ground like a herding dog and chased Chevy in circles. With her ears back and her mouth open. It was not something that I have ever seen. There was a lot of biting and kicking before we could separate them.

Now Izzy's jolly ball that hangs in the stall is causing problems, she used to not mind it bumping into her or she played with it. But now if it touches her butt or side she kicks out. Something is causing her pain. She is not an aggressive horse, she is sweet. I am having the vet come out on the 27 th to do some tests and palpate her to check for cysts or tumors on her ovaries. Even though that would be a bad diagnoses it would explain what is going on and could be treated.

What was I thinking

I am a very knowledgeable horseman, well woman and a good rider. But what the hell was I thinking when I decided to adopt a racehorse. In the past I have had a blind arab, a standardbred racer, a 9 month old pony, a Saddlebred, and a quarter horse cross. Non of which were ever lazy or laid back. I was always drawn to the "crazy" horses but Im older now and I have two kids. My time is more limited and I am more cautious, and more afraid to get hurt. Well now I am the owner of a very challenging OTTB mare and she is bi-polar and so unpredictable. I know every horse has a bad day, but we have had more of those than good days. I am so mad at myself for not being able to do more with her. My list of things we cant do is far greater than the list of things we can do. She needs a professional trainer and I just cant afford one of those, so sadly it looks like I might have to sell her. Its not fair to Izzy that she just doesn't get to do anything, and its a waste of my time and money to have a horse that I cant do anything with. I am really attached to her already and I have never had to sell a horse before but it probably is the best thing for us. If I cant find her a good home that will accept the buying contract from CANTER then I will have to give her back and forfeit my money.

Spring Fever

Yesterday I took Izzy for a walk around the grounds. And slowly introduced her to a small section of our racetrack. We were with a couple of other horses and surprisingly she was the least extreme when the other horses spooked or got really excited. For the most part she just stuck with me. I got her to go over a log...she didn't jump, just walked. Then she wouldn't go in the puddles that day though. We played the game stick to me where she has to mirror me...she had to walk and trot when I got faster or slower. I didn't want to try the cantering because she was running on adrenaline already. We had a short but semi-steep hill that I asked her to go up and down. She would go down slow and calm. But she would rush up it or jump up and when she got to the top she would rear and prance around. She would be the kind of horse that would rush jumps I think. When we were on the track we would do a lot of approach and retreat. We looked crazy just going back and forth and doing circles on the far turn of the track. But with her being off the track I didn't want to go any further. I was a little nervous with all the energy she had, but she and I ended on a good note and we both survived another day.

You found me

"Lost and insecure You found me, you found me Lying on the floor Surrounded, surrounded Whyd you have to wait? Where were you, where were you? Just a little late You found me, you found me why'd you have to wait to find me, to find me?"

This is the lyrics from (You found me, By The Fray) I used this song on the video I made of Izzy on youtube. Other than being a racehorse with a crappy race record and broken knee, I'm not sure of the stuff she was put through. You can tell just by looking at her that she has been through some really tough shit. I feel so bad for her. I wish I could know what she was thinking. There has been a couple days in the last week that I have noticed subtle changes in the way she acts around me. She has become very confident in the stall to the point where she has no problems trying to bite or kick out a little. Its not extreme but its a big change from the horse that went catatonic in the back corner of the stall.

We bought her a jolly ball that has a lickit above it and hung it in her stall. She has yet to figure out that its like candy. She has very little winter coat left, which increases how sensitive her skin is. In the process of trying to do everyday horse things (like cleaning, brushing, turning out, crosstying, etc...) We have hit a number of roadblocks. It feels frustrating like I hit a brick wall rather than a pebble in the road. For example she will not tolerate me grooming around her belly and ribs. She is more scared of my grooming rag than a spray bottle, the wash rack is a dark scary cave with horse eating creatures inside. The list goes on but these are things most people do everyday with no problems.

About a week ago Izzy was turned out with Chevy and managed to cut the front of her back leg (hock area). I wanted to hose it off, to see how bad it was but she would not go in the scary wash rack. So we said screw it I would hose it in the isle way and that wasn't working either. Then I cleaned it and wrapped it with gauze and vet wrap. She stood still while I did it, but as soon as she would take a step forward she would buck and kick, she did this a lot. Like she would forget it was on. It got so bad that I had to cut the bandage off so she wouldn't hurt herself more. Good news though her leg is almost healed, and she is happy and sound.

A few days ago a friend of mine moved her OTTB back to the fairgrounds she rode her horse down to my barn to introduce her to Izzy. Her horse meesha who very confident and calm. Izzy didn't even walk a foot or so out of the front of the barn. She was comfortable there but not any further. I had Izzy go for a walk but with a more confident horse. And she did ok. Now the walk back to the barn was alone. I admit that I was scared of what she might do. The barn that was only a 100ft away felt 100 miles. So I decided to keep her busy so she couldn't think about being alone and scared. So I let her have a couple bites of grass then I made her walk through a big puddle... which was a lot deeper than I thought. She walked in put her nose under water and blew bubbles. I have never seen that before but it was cute. Then I had her sidepass of a telephone pole that was lying on the ground. I had her weave in and out of the horse trailers, which were all in a line. She was doing really well till she saw a herd of dear, then her mind was on them not me. But we got back ok.

Two nights ago I went up to the barn and it was surprising quiet, so I brought Izzy out and played with her in the isle way. We worked on trotting and stopping next to me. She was doing well and we are working her to back up if I back up. She is picking it up quickly. Then we worked on going into the wash stall. I went in with her a couple times but that seemed to just cause her issues. She would take a step or two inside and then fly backwards and then get upset when the rope got tight and she pushed into pressure making it worse on her. So instead of playing tug of war, if she pulled back on the rope I would hold the pressure on the rope. Not increasing or decreasing it. If she took one step forward the pressure on the rope was gone and I would turn away. We did this for about an hour before she figured it out. Its not perfect but its a start. I was starting to get frustrated with her not wanting to go in. So I sat down on the mounting block which was inside the wash stall and did NOTHING. I didn't even look at her I would let her do what ever she wanted as long as she didn't walk so far backwards that she was pulling on the rope. After a few minutes she took a couple steps inside and put her head on my lap. We just sat there for a while. I rubbed her head and neck. Then I turned the tables on her and asked her to go backwards away from the wash stall. Well this got her curious. Like she said "huh? I thought you wanted me in there, not out here." So back and forth she would come inside a couple of steps and then I would send her out before she did it on her own. Soon she was all the way inside facing the back wall, and a few tries later and she was inside and facing the right way. I will not crosstie her because of the accident she had. Oh and after another half hour I was able to run the hose with her in there and wash her hooves. It was too cold to do anymore. So it took a few hours,but now she goes in and stays in no problem. And she has more confidence to try new things, and more confidence with me. Like she has said "Whyd you have to wait? Where were you? Just a little late You found me,why'd you have to wait to find me, thank you."